Camping

A few weeks ago Ben and I went on our first camping trip of the year and together. It was so much fun and reminded my of camping with my dad when I was little.

Friday afternoon we loaded up the truck and headed to Rampart. I do not recall ever going there. It was very pretty.

We set up the green canvas tent. Inflated the air matteress and set up the bed for the weekend. In the middle of the night Ben realized I was rolling into him and forcing him off the mattress. We changed the direction of the mattress which made it a little better. The second night we tried a different direction which was a disaster but we made it through the night. Gomer ended up with half the bed - at least he slept good.

Saturday we went fishing at Rampart Lake where I caught myself in the back of the head. Ben's dad was the only one to catch fish there. Later we went to Spiney Reservoir, Ben and his dad both caught a couple but they did not meet the length requirements - the fish need to be 20". Ben caught a nice 17" trout. He let me reel one in so I could say I caught something.

Sunday before we headed home, we went to Manitou Lake outside of Woodland Park. It was very crowded. It is more of a family fishing hole. We had a few bites but did not catch anything. I did manage to cast into Ben once and caught his dad's line a few times. I am such an awesome fisher - NOT.

We will be going to Taylor Park in the next couple of weeks. This time we will go with the rest of his family and will have the boat with us. Should be fun.

Life and death

April started what seemed to be chain reaction of deaths in my family.

In April my Aunt Pudge, who taught me Belmont by going to yard sales every weekend as a child, lost her battle with cancer.

In May my great Aunt Theresa and great Aunt Millie both passed in their sleep. Both were well into their 90s.

Then totally unexpected my cousin Jim passed away at the beginning of June - one day after his daughters 17th birthday. Unfortunately she is the one who found him.

With so many deaths in the family, it makes you stop and think how quickly people enter and leave our lives. Some are expected and others aren't.

Game or puzzle

People like to compare life to a game. You know how is starts, you know how you got where you are, you know where you need to be but do not know if you can make it happen. There are winners and there are losers.

I would rather look at my life as a huge puzzle that is not even half finished. I have the foundation built but the center needs filled in. The pieces are all within reach. It is just a matter of fitting them where they belong at the right time.

I continue to strive towards changing the direction my life is headed. Ben and I have decided to move in together. I have basically been moving for the last month. I go to my apartment a few nights a week and get little things and take them to where I consider home. This past weekend we finished moving my furniture to storage. It will stay there for a couple of months until we move again.

The boys are aware I am moving. The comment I received was as long as that is what you want. All I do know right now is that I am pretty happy with my relationship with Ben and we will see how things go with living together.

I do know that no matter what happens with Ben and I that I have grown a lot in the last year and continue to. I have always been a strong person but for some reason I let others who love me take advantage of me. I am not going to allow that to happen again. I am learning from my mistakes.

I am thankful for the loving family and friends I have in my life.

What a month

It was basically been a month since I changed the way the finances were to be handled. Not to my surprise, I did not receive the full amount towards the bills. No problem – I paid what I could with the money I did receive and the rest went unpaid. We are going to try something different for June and see how it goes. Again if I do not get the whole amount, I will pay what I can and the rest will go unpaid. It is only our credit that continues to be destroyed. Eventually it will get better.

The house that Ben put an offer in on did not fall through. He is still looking and hoping to be in a house before the end of summer. I would like to see it happen soon for him.

My baby boy turned 17 on the 23rd. I reluctantly agreed to have the party at the house. I thought it was agreed that Ron would not have his girlfriend there and that Ben would not be there but a day or so before the party Ron texts me about how it is not right that I don’t want his girlfriend there. He thought I was not going but would basically supply everything for the party and give it to Trevor. Initially when Trevor wanted the party at the house, I did not want to be there. Trevor convinced me to go to the house.

After the birthday party, Ron and I had a decent talk. He seems to think that I have had more time to think about what I want than he has. In his mind because he did not have a girlfriend for the length of time that I have been with Ben, I have had longer to figure out what I want. To me it does not matter if I have a boyfriend or not, basically my choice is whether I want to be with Ron or not. Neither of us is doing anything to fix things so I think it is pretty obvious where we are headed but now when is the question. I will sit back and wait.

Ronny is officially out of high school. We had his graduation party on May 24th at the Memorial Recreation Center in Pueblo West. We agreed ahead of time that Ron could have his girlfriend go and that Ben could go also. Before this was decided Ben told me he would only go if Ron had his girlfriend there. He would not go and cause problems. He does not want to be in that situation. I respect him for that. The graduation party was very nice. Ron and I pretty much ignored each other.

I am thankful that I have friends and family that stepped up to help me with the graduation party. It was a chore to get everything arranged but worth it for my son. My boys mean more to me than I think they realize.

I still do not see them as much as I would like. Partly because they think it is too far to drive to see me, I can’t go see them at the house and they are busy with their lives which I understand. Unfortunately the amount of time I see them will become less and less once I move.

Baby steps turn to leaps

On April 24th I basically gave the truck and all the related expenses back to Ron. When there had been discussion about selling the truck in the past, the response I would get was I always wanted a lifted one ton diesel truck. Now he has it and can figure out how to pay for it. I have struggled with making the payments, insurance, and fuel since September. I decided it was not worth it to me. It is such a relief - I should have done it months ago.

I had mentioned before that change was coming whether people like it or not and if necessary those changes will be forced. I have switched the mailing address to the house for the bills that he should be paying. Requested a specific dollar amount to be paid towards other bills and also informed him that if that does not happen the bills will not get paid. It is time that he learn to live on a budget and pay his way.

He seems to think I want to take everything away from him and that I don't want him to have anything nice. Lets see he is living in the house that we built with my family, has the nice furniture, has the kids, the birds, the dog and decent vehicles. The nice car I have my dad bought, the furniture I have is basically things we had bought second hand, the kids don't come see me very often and I can't even go to the house without his consent. I see it a lot different than he does but I have never put myself first.

I am trying to get him to see reality. I have informed him that during a divorce everything will be split so if things have to be sold then that is what needs to happen. Things that are going away are because of both of us.

One of the issues I see that we had in our relationship was that my feelings and wants basically never mattered. It was pretty much what Ron and the kids wanted they got. Now I am standing up for myself and not letting him tell me how things are going to be. Just like with the finances - when it benefits him he is OK with it but if he thinks I am getting something more then he does not want it. I am standing my ground on this.

I had to chuckle to myself about a comment that was made to me, something on the order that I don't want to email you because I don't want it on your blog. Lets see, is that someone trying to censor me or still try to control me? Basically I will write what I feel when I feel it and no one is going to stop me.

I am excited for Ben. He is looking to purchase a house - he is tired of apartment living. He is looking at things realistically and not trying to purchase something to impress anyone but make himself happy. He is looking at possibly getting a roommate or two. His best friend is considering moving in.

These baby steps are changing to leaps not only for me but for Ben and Ron. We will see how it all pans out.