Time Controls Everything

There are 24 hours in a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a week and who knows how many years in a life time. As I type this, I have been alive approximately 323,004 hours. Of this time I have been legally married 164,916 of those hours but the last 3,492 hours of the marriage have not been as husband and wife.

People talk about never having enough time. Right now I feel I have nothing but time. I do not have to worry about my biological clock running out to have more children; I will never have more natural children. The clock that I am running up against is one I set in motion myself. I said I wanted 6 months to figure out where I wanted my life to go. Six months evidently is not enough to figure out if the 164,916 hours should continue to increase or if the clock needs to stop. It took me nearly 8,568 hours to come to the realization that I wanted to move out and get the courage to do it. So how can 3,492 hours be enough to decide where I really want to end up? If I go by the 6 months then I have approximately 1,416 hours to make my decision. Do I ask for an extension?

I do know that by me not making a decision it is making life miserable for all involved. It is not fair that I leave Ron and Ben hanging. It is not fair that the boys do not know what is happening but on the other hand they seem to not want to have anything to do with me, so does it matter to them?

Who should I worry about the most? For more than half of my living hours, I have always worried about everyone else and put myself and my wants on the back burner. I am going to live for myself and make sure that what ever decision will be the one to bring me the most happiness.