A few people have mentioned to me that I need to write down my to do list for my personal life. I have one in my mind but need to put it on paper so I can start marking those things off. Baby steps I keep telling myself. One thing at a time. One day at a time.
One of the most important things on my to do list is to become more financially independent from Ron. I do not rely on him to give me money to live off of but I do reply on him to help pay our bills. The counselor thinks it is strange the situation that Ron and I have on the bills. We put our checks in the bank and I figure out what we can pay and when, just like I did when we lived together. He goes about his daily life without worrying about having to pay any bills. That needs to stop. The counselor even told me that I need to let him fall and if I fall too that just something I will have to get over. This is the number one task on my to do list.
I have mentioned to Ron he needs his own account but he says he is OK with the way things are now. Well I am not and it is going to change.
The counselor asked me, where Ron got his male chauvinistic views from. I assume it is from his Uncle who he thinks walks on water. I never really saw that side of him until I was away from it. Now I see it a little better and I see it a little in the boys.
Its kind of funny the things people pick up from being around someone a short time. Ben has brought to my attention that I apologize a lot for little things that do not need an apology for. The counselor has also pointed out that I take some of the negative things in my life way to personal and that it is not all my fault. I did put in motion this change and that I do have ownership of.
My to do list is something that I own and will affect others whether they want it or not. One thing on my list everyday is to keep smiling and not let other influence what I choose to do.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Carings does not equal love
April 7th came and went. Technically it was mine and Ron's 19th wedding anniversary. It was a pretty typical day just like any other one. I was not real emotional.
I did receive a call from Ron about 10 pm but did not talk to him for more than a minute. The extent of our conversation was:
R) What are you doing?
T) Talking on the other line.
R) I can let you go if you would like.
T) That's fine.
R) Good bye.
T) Good bye.
I could have talked to him but I am tired of him thinking its okay to call me late at night and expect me to talk. Its not right. It just shows the lack of respect he has for me. I know you can't demand respect from someone and that you have to earn it. I do not think there is enough time in this lifetime for that to happen.
A few weeks ago we had a decent texting conversation but he would not answer me on a hard question. The question was, "Are you ready to move on?" There is some confusion on both our parts as to the difference between loving someone and caring for someone. A friend recently told me that people sometimes confuse caring for someone with loving them. I agree with that.
My mission now to determine the difference between caring for someone and loving them. If you look up care in the dictionary it will basically say it is to be interested in or show concern for someone or something. Love one the other hand is to feel romantic and sexual desire and longing for somebody. There are more definitions but those are the basics.
Most women agree that men think the sex is showing that you love someone. I do not believe that. You can have sex with someone and not be in love with them, but there is a difference of having sex with someone you have feelings for and someone that you don't. If you have never had a one night stand then you can't relate.
I am supposed to be thinking about things to help me move on whether it is with Ron, Ben or someone else. The biggest thing with Ron is what is keeping me in our sick twisted relationship and with Ben is what is holding me back from giving myself openly to him. These things will need to be answered and will be.
I did receive a call from Ron about 10 pm but did not talk to him for more than a minute. The extent of our conversation was:
R) What are you doing?
T) Talking on the other line.
R) I can let you go if you would like.
T) That's fine.
R) Good bye.
T) Good bye.
I could have talked to him but I am tired of him thinking its okay to call me late at night and expect me to talk. Its not right. It just shows the lack of respect he has for me. I know you can't demand respect from someone and that you have to earn it. I do not think there is enough time in this lifetime for that to happen.
A few weeks ago we had a decent texting conversation but he would not answer me on a hard question. The question was, "Are you ready to move on?" There is some confusion on both our parts as to the difference between loving someone and caring for someone. A friend recently told me that people sometimes confuse caring for someone with loving them. I agree with that.
My mission now to determine the difference between caring for someone and loving them. If you look up care in the dictionary it will basically say it is to be interested in or show concern for someone or something. Love one the other hand is to feel romantic and sexual desire and longing for somebody. There are more definitions but those are the basics.
Most women agree that men think the sex is showing that you love someone. I do not believe that. You can have sex with someone and not be in love with them, but there is a difference of having sex with someone you have feelings for and someone that you don't. If you have never had a one night stand then you can't relate.
I am supposed to be thinking about things to help me move on whether it is with Ron, Ben or someone else. The biggest thing with Ron is what is keeping me in our sick twisted relationship and with Ben is what is holding me back from giving myself openly to him. These things will need to be answered and will be.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Change of season = change of counselor
Time for a change of counselors AGAIN. On April Fool's Day I met with the counselor. I was informed at that session that the counselor we had been seeing since January will be accepting another position and will not be able to continue with us. She is the third counselor.
The session was to have been a joint session. Ron decided not to go since nothing has changed since our last session. It is very apparent that things have changed, whether good or bad, I will accept that - we are getting further and further apart and becoming less of friends.
It was determined that at this point, there is no reason to have anymore joint sessions since Ron and I are not even attempting to work on things. I will continue with individual sessions I just hope that this counselor is not like the first one. If Ron wants to continue going that will be completely up to him.
The counselor did mention that in couples counseling the longer it goes on the harder things get because we are finally getting to the issues and beyond the surface issues. I agreed to go to counseling and will stick with it even though I may hear things I don't want to and have to do things that are hard for me.
The session was to have been a joint session. Ron decided not to go since nothing has changed since our last session. It is very apparent that things have changed, whether good or bad, I will accept that - we are getting further and further apart and becoming less of friends.
It was determined that at this point, there is no reason to have anymore joint sessions since Ron and I are not even attempting to work on things. I will continue with individual sessions I just hope that this counselor is not like the first one. If Ron wants to continue going that will be completely up to him.
The counselor did mention that in couples counseling the longer it goes on the harder things get because we are finally getting to the issues and beyond the surface issues. I agreed to go to counseling and will stick with it even though I may hear things I don't want to and have to do things that are hard for me.
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