FROM A FRIEND TO A STRANGER

Long needed update

2011-03-03T22:15:00.002-07:00

It has been over a year since I updated my blog. Many things have changed and others have stayed the same.

Changes:
1. Ben bought a house in December 2009. We started making it ours this year with a face lift in the living room. We removed the carpet and installed hardwood flooring, painted and updated the trim. It looks so nice. We will be moving on to other rooms in the house as we can afford it.

2. I enrolled at UCCS and started taking classes. I decided it was time to go for my masters degree. Education is something that no one can ever take from you. It remains with you your whole life.

3. Buffy moved in with Ben and I a year ago January. It is so nice to have her around again. Love that macaw scream.

4. The boys continue to be more independent. I still do not see them as much as I would like but I have learned to accept it. I know I am blamed for the whole situation and I am OK with that.

What has stayed the same:
1. Ron and I rarely speak. We communicate through texts which are few and far between and primarily about the kids.

I continue to grow and become a stronger person. I take responsibility for my actions and shrug off things I have no control over.

I am thankful I had my children at a young age and that they are becoming responsible young adults.

My baby boy turns 19 in less than 90 days and will be graduating high school then too. The oldest is a sophomore at PCC. I am so proud of the boys. They have managed to survive the last few years.

Firsts

2009-09-29T21:07:00.003-06:00

In our lives we have many firsts to mark milestones. It starts with our first breath then progresses through the next year with other firsts - word, tooth and steps. As we grow we encounter bigger firsts - day of school, friend, fight, crush, love and death. Each of these firsts are not to be looked at as any less than the previous they are all things to be cherished.

I have had many firsts in the last year - first apartment, first time living on my own, first time to see the ocean, first time to visit many states in one trip plus others. I have also experienced in the last few years a first that I hope many will not endure - that is the first time I fell out of love. To realize you are in a relationship where the love for your partner is not what it should be is not a good feeling. To move on is not an easy thing to do.

I am lucky in the sense that I have family and friends that have been dealing with me and my many moods. I am at the point where that chapter in my life is going to officially end and I can start a new chapter.

I have been questioned as to why now and not a year ago. My response is that a year ago, there was a chance that things could have worked out but neither one of us put ourselves out there. Now we have both moved on and why put it off any longer. Sometimes people need to have time apart to decide if they can live without the other.

I am putting myself out there once again to see if maybe in my next relationship I stay in love and that he stays in love with me.

The Summer in review

2009-09-04T10:49:00.002-06:00

This summer I was able to go camping, boating and fishing more than I have in years. It was really fun. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if the boys would have been able to join us for a trip or two. If I have the count right, I caught like 10 fish this year. It might not seem like much to avid fishermen but for someone who hasn't caught 10 fish in the last 10 years, it is a major achievement. I am hoping next year will be better.

The house is still up in the air. I am hoping this gets resolved here pretty quick so we can know when we are moving and I can officially change my address on my license to Springs.

Gomer hasn't been feeling well and had to visit the vet. Still waiting on results of his blood work. He is on some antibiotics for now.

Ben is still being himself which I can't complain about - I enjoy him.

The boys are back in school - Ronny in college and Trevor a junior in high school.

I am looking forward to the changes that are coming my way both at work and at home. Time will tell where things ultimately end up.

We are heading to Florida on the 10th and I can't wait to venture thru the many cities, towns and states on our drive. I am anxious to meet a few more of Ben's friends and of course see this great big body of water referred to as the Atlantic. Planning on going to Daytona and Coco Beaches. Should be fun.

Water world

2009-07-20T16:59:00.003-06:00

On July 12 we went to Water World. All together there were 15 of us which included the boys, Ben's sisters family and my brother and niece.

The morning started off fairly good considering we had 6 people trying to get ready with one bathroom. Not to smooth but it worked. I was in such a rush that I left our towels at the apartment so we stopped at Walgreens near the park and bought some. I ended up with Tinkerbell and Ben ended up with Cars.

Trevor did not take any shoes to wear so we ended up purchasing some flip-flops. Shawn bought some water shoes at Walgreens but still managed to destroy his toes on a ride. No one ended up extremely burned which was great.

It had been a number of years since I had been and Shawn had never been. Overall it was a great trip. Ben and I are hoping to go again before it closes for the season. There are so many more slides we weren't able to go on that we would like to.

After Waterworld we went to Casa Bonita. That was another experience. Food was OK. Service was lacking until a different server spilled salsa and pop on Ben's sisters. We ended up getting great service after that plus they picked up the tab for the whole meal. This wasn't because of the spilling of the pop and salsa but because another manager laughed when Marcia reported it.

Maiden Voyage

2009-07-20T09:42:00.003-06:00

Saturday was the maiden voyage of the boat. The day started at 8 am when we picked up Ben's dad and headed to get the boat from Falcon. About 9 am we were on our way to the Pueblo Reservoir with a detour to PW Wal-Mart first. We got to the res about 11 and that is when the fun began.

Boat inspection - of course with this being a new boat and no registration numbers it had to be an issue. We were denied access to the water until we could prove the application for registration had been completed. We went to the parks office. Showed the paper work but it was not the correct paperwork. Tempers began to flair. I decided to walk out of the office but grabbed the 2009 boating regulations first.

When Ben and his dad got back to the truck and made a few phone calls and determined that they did not have the proof that parks needed, they decided to head back and apply for application for registration again. I mentioned to them that as long as you have a bill of sale you are allowed on the water for the first 30 days and showed them it in the regulations. We decided it was worth a shot. It worked. We were allowed on the water.

It was close to noon by the time we got on the water. We pretty much just cruised around the res and fished for most of the day. Didn't catch anything but had a great time.

When we left the lake and went for inspection again there was a TON of water coming out. We weren't sure what happened so that meant another trip to another lake was going to have to happen soon.

Sunday we went to 11 Mile and this time things went so much smoother and the boat took on less water. We think it was operator error but its all good.

We are planning on taking the boat to either Taylor or Blue Mesa in the next few weeks - the boys may join us. This should be fun.

Thoughts for the day

2009-07-17T16:41:00.003-06:00

A year ago this month I met Ben - I was not looking for someone else - it just happened. There had already been discussion between Ron and I about me not being happy and wanting to move out for nearly a year.

The last year has been very challenging and eye opening for me. I realize how apparent it was to others that I was not happy but it was not apparent to the ones that should have known it. That still is hard to accept that someone who is supposed to know me inside and out didn't really know me at all. That's where the title of my blog fits it. Ron and I were good friends but we grew apart and are more like strangers now.

Things seem to be going well with Ben and I. I am looking forward to the road trip we have planned and seeing the ocean. I assume Ron and Diane are doing well. The boys have their days with me but I am getting used to their actions.

There are individuals that have played a major part in my life that I do not have much contact with but it is really great to hear from them when I do.

Things continue to change in my life, some of the changes I am driving and other I am going along for the ride with. The future is still not clear.

Camping

2009-07-09T16:55:00.003-06:00

A few weeks ago Ben and I went on our first camping trip of the year and together. It was so much fun and reminded my of camping with my dad when I was little.

Friday afternoon we loaded up the truck and headed to Rampart. I do not recall ever going there. It was very pretty.

We set up the green canvas tent. Inflated the air matteress and set up the bed for the weekend. In the middle of the night Ben realized I was rolling into him and forcing him off the mattress. We changed the direction of the mattress which made it a little better. The second night we tried a different direction which was a disaster but we made it through the night. Gomer ended up with half the bed - at least he slept good.

Saturday we went fishing at Rampart Lake where I caught myself in the back of the head. Ben's dad was the only one to catch fish there. Later we went to Spiney Reservoir, Ben and his dad both caught a couple but they did not meet the length requirements - the fish need to be 20". Ben caught a nice 17" trout. He let me reel one in so I could say I caught something.

Sunday before we headed home, we went to Manitou Lake outside of Woodland Park. It was very crowded. It is more of a family fishing hole. We had a few bites but did not catch anything. I did manage to cast into Ben once and caught his dad's line a few times. I am such an awesome fisher - NOT.

We will be going to Taylor Park in the next couple of weeks. This time we will go with the rest of his family and will have the boat with us. Should be fun.

Life and death

2009-06-22T12:30:00.003-06:00

April started what seemed to be chain reaction of deaths in my family.

In April my Aunt Pudge, who taught me Belmont by going to yard sales every weekend as a child, lost her battle with cancer.

In May my great Aunt Theresa and great Aunt Millie both passed in their sleep. Both were well into their 90s.

Then totally unexpected my cousin Jim passed away at the beginning of June - one day after his daughters 17th birthday. Unfortunately she is the one who found him.

With so many deaths in the family, it makes you stop and think how quickly people enter and leave our lives. Some are expected and others aren't.

Game or puzzle

2009-06-22T12:12:00.003-06:00

People like to compare life to a game. You know how is starts, you know how you got where you are, you know where you need to be but do not know if you can make it happen. There are winners and there are losers.

I would rather look at my life as a huge puzzle that is not even half finished. I have the foundation built but the center needs filled in. The pieces are all within reach. It is just a matter of fitting them where they belong at the right time.

I continue to strive towards changing the direction my life is headed. Ben and I have decided to move in together. I have basically been moving for the last month. I go to my apartment a few nights a week and get little things and take them to where I consider home. This past weekend we finished moving my furniture to storage. It will stay there for a couple of months until we move again.

The boys are aware I am moving. The comment I received was as long as that is what you want. All I do know right now is that I am pretty happy with my relationship with Ben and we will see how things go with living together.

I do know that no matter what happens with Ben and I that I have grown a lot in the last year and continue to. I have always been a strong person but for some reason I let others who love me take advantage of me. I am not going to allow that to happen again. I am learning from my mistakes.

I am thankful for the loving family and friends I have in my life.

What a month

2009-05-27T09:04:00.003-06:00

It was basically been a month since I changed the way the finances were to be handled. Not to my surprise, I did not receive the full amount towards the bills. No problem – I paid what I could with the money I did receive and the rest went unpaid. We are going to try something different for June and see how it goes. Again if I do not get the whole amount, I will pay what I can and the rest will go unpaid. It is only our credit that continues to be destroyed. Eventually it will get better.

The house that Ben put an offer in on did not fall through. He is still looking and hoping to be in a house before the end of summer. I would like to see it happen soon for him.

My baby boy turned 17 on the 23rd. I reluctantly agreed to have the party at the house. I thought it was agreed that Ron would not have his girlfriend there and that Ben would not be there but a day or so before the party Ron texts me about how it is not right that I don’t want his girlfriend there. He thought I was not going but would basically supply everything for the party and give it to Trevor. Initially when Trevor wanted the party at the house, I did not want to be there. Trevor convinced me to go to the house.

After the birthday party, Ron and I had a decent talk. He seems to think that I have had more time to think about what I want than he has. In his mind because he did not have a girlfriend for the length of time that I have been with Ben, I have had longer to figure out what I want. To me it does not matter if I have a boyfriend or not, basically my choice is whether I want to be with Ron or not. Neither of us is doing anything to fix things so I think it is pretty obvious where we are headed but now when is the question. I will sit back and wait.

Ronny is officially out of high school. We had his graduation party on May 24th at the Memorial Recreation Center in Pueblo West. We agreed ahead of time that Ron could have his girlfriend go and that Ben could go also. Before this was decided Ben told me he would only go if Ron had his girlfriend there. He would not go and cause problems. He does not want to be in that situation. I respect him for that. The graduation party was very nice. Ron and I pretty much ignored each other.

I am thankful that I have friends and family that stepped up to help me with the graduation party. It was a chore to get everything arranged but worth it for my son. My boys mean more to me than I think they realize.

I still do not see them as much as I would like. Partly because they think it is too far to drive to see me, I can’t go see them at the house and they are busy with their lives which I understand. Unfortunately the amount of time I see them will become less and less once I move.

Baby steps turn to leaps

2009-05-05T16:33:00.004-06:00

On April 24th I basically gave the truck and all the related expenses back to Ron. When there had been discussion about selling the truck in the past, the response I would get was I always wanted a lifted one ton diesel truck. Now he has it and can figure out how to pay for it. I have struggled with making the payments, insurance, and fuel since September. I decided it was not worth it to me. It is such a relief - I should have done it months ago.

I had mentioned before that change was coming whether people like it or not and if necessary those changes will be forced. I have switched the mailing address to the house for the bills that he should be paying. Requested a specific dollar amount to be paid towards other bills and also informed him that if that does not happen the bills will not get paid. It is time that he learn to live on a budget and pay his way.

He seems to think I want to take everything away from him and that I don't want him to have anything nice. Lets see he is living in the house that we built with my family, has the nice furniture, has the kids, the birds, the dog and decent vehicles. The nice car I have my dad bought, the furniture I have is basically things we had bought second hand, the kids don't come see me very often and I can't even go to the house without his consent. I see it a lot different than he does but I have never put myself first.

I am trying to get him to see reality. I have informed him that during a divorce everything will be split so if things have to be sold then that is what needs to happen. Things that are going away are because of both of us.

One of the issues I see that we had in our relationship was that my feelings and wants basically never mattered. It was pretty much what Ron and the kids wanted they got. Now I am standing up for myself and not letting him tell me how things are going to be. Just like with the finances - when it benefits him he is OK with it but if he thinks I am getting something more then he does not want it. I am standing my ground on this.

I had to chuckle to myself about a comment that was made to me, something on the order that I don't want to email you because I don't want it on your blog. Lets see, is that someone trying to censor me or still try to control me? Basically I will write what I feel when I feel it and no one is going to stop me.

I am excited for Ben. He is looking to purchase a house - he is tired of apartment living. He is looking at things realistically and not trying to purchase something to impress anyone but make himself happy. He is looking at possibly getting a roommate or two. His best friend is considering moving in.

These baby steps are changing to leaps not only for me but for Ben and Ron. We will see how it all pans out.

To do list

2009-04-12T12:33:00.003-06:00

A few people have mentioned to me that I need to write down my to do list for my personal life. I have one in my mind but need to put it on paper so I can start marking those things off. Baby steps I keep telling myself. One thing at a time. One day at a time.

One of the most important things on my to do list is to become more financially independent from Ron. I do not rely on him to give me money to live off of but I do reply on him to help pay our bills. The counselor thinks it is strange the situation that Ron and I have on the bills. We put our checks in the bank and I figure out what we can pay and when, just like I did when we lived together. He goes about his daily life without worrying about having to pay any bills. That needs to stop. The counselor even told me that I need to let him fall and if I fall too that just something I will have to get over. This is the number one task on my to do list.

I have mentioned to Ron he needs his own account but he says he is OK with the way things are now. Well I am not and it is going to change.

The counselor asked me, where Ron got his male chauvinistic views from. I assume it is from his Uncle who he thinks walks on water. I never really saw that side of him until I was away from it. Now I see it a little better and I see it a little in the boys.

Its kind of funny the things people pick up from being around someone a short time. Ben has brought to my attention that I apologize a lot for little things that do not need an apology for. The counselor has also pointed out that I take some of the negative things in my life way to personal and that it is not all my fault. I did put in motion this change and that I do have ownership of.

My to do list is something that I own and will affect others whether they want it or not. One thing on my list everyday is to keep smiling and not let other influence what I choose to do.

Carings does not equal love

2009-04-12T11:45:00.007-06:00

April 7th came and went. Technically it was mine and Ron's 19th wedding anniversary. It was a pretty typical day just like any other one. I was not real emotional.

I did receive a call from Ron about 10 pm but did not talk to him for more than a minute. The extent of our conversation was:
R) What are you doing?
T) Talking on the other line.
R) I can let you go if you would like.
T) That's fine.
R) Good bye.
T) Good bye.

I could have talked to him but I am tired of him thinking its okay to call me late at night and expect me to talk. Its not right. It just shows the lack of respect he has for me. I know you can't demand respect from someone and that you have to earn it. I do not think there is enough time in this lifetime for that to happen.

A few weeks ago we had a decent texting conversation but he would not answer me on a hard question. The question was, "Are you ready to move on?" There is some confusion on both our parts as to the difference between loving someone and caring for someone. A friend recently told me that people sometimes confuse caring for someone with loving them. I agree with that.

My mission now to determine the difference between caring for someone and loving them. If you look up care in the dictionary it will basically say it is to be interested in or show concern for someone or something. Love one the other hand is to feel romantic and sexual desire and longing for somebody. There are more definitions but those are the basics.

Most women agree that men think the sex is showing that you love someone. I do not believe that. You can have sex with someone and not be in love with them, but there is a difference of having sex with someone you have feelings for and someone that you don't. If you have never had a one night stand then you can't relate.

I am supposed to be thinking about things to help me move on whether it is with Ron, Ben or someone else. The biggest thing with Ron is what is keeping me in our sick twisted relationship and with Ben is what is holding me back from giving myself openly to him. These things will need to be answered and will be.

Change of season = change of counselor

2009-04-02T08:27:00.004-06:00

Time for a change of counselors AGAIN. On April Fool's Day I met with the counselor. I was informed at that session that the counselor we had been seeing since January will be accepting another position and will not be able to continue with us. She is the third counselor.

The session was to have been a joint session. Ron decided not to go since nothing has changed since our last session. It is very apparent that things have changed, whether good or bad, I will accept that - we are getting further and further apart and becoming less of friends.

It was determined that at this point, there is no reason to have anymore joint sessions since Ron and I are not even attempting to work on things. I will continue with individual sessions I just hope that this counselor is not like the first one. If Ron wants to continue going that will be completely up to him.

The counselor did mention that in couples counseling the longer it goes on the harder things get because we are finally getting to the issues and beyond the surface issues. I agreed to go to counseling and will stick with it even though I may hear things I don't want to and have to do things that are hard for me.

Last couple of weeks

2009-03-26T19:22:00.005-06:00

Throughout our lives, we are given assignments whether for education, work or pleasure. If you fail to complete those assignments there are consequences. The counselor gave Ron and I a very specific assignment to have completed by our next session on April 1. The assignment - to meet two times for at least 30 minutes just the two of us at a neutral location. So far we are failing. The consequence is one we will impose on ourselves - placing another brick with mortar on the wall between us or could it be something more?

I have told Ron if he wants the relationship, he will make an effort to contact me. That does not happen very often. I think the writing on the wall is becoming more visible but will anyone do anything to change it?

I celebrated my birthday this year doing a few different things. I took the day off and went with a friend to Cripple Creek. We drove up in blizzard conditions after a long board meeting. We had a good time. Lost a little money but it was worth it.

Later that evening Ron, the kids and I went to dinner at Red Lobster. It was nice and strange at the same time. I was very reluctant to go.

After dinner I went to my oldest brothers to have cake and ice cream him and my sister in law. She ordered me an orange chiffon cake. It was nice.

I did not see Ben that day. He had agreed that we would celebrate my birthday another day so I could celebrate with the kids. I did get to talk to him though.

I received some like apricot colored roses from a male friend. They look so nice in the vase on the corner of my desk. That was really sweet of him. He is also trying to teach me to bowl properly.

I started thinking back to September for Ron's birthday. The whole family - me, the boys, my brothers, my dad, my step mom, his mom and his aunt went to Texas Roadhouse. He likes that place along with Cracker Barrel. Afterwards we went back to the house. I ended up staying the night. I can not remember if we had cake or not. Probably not - I guess I messed up and did not think to do it. I had only moved out about a week before. I did take the time to buy him something though.

The next few months will be very busy - Easter, Trevor's 17th bday and Ronny's high school graduation. How things will play out, that is not known yet.

What a day

2009-03-15T12:36:00.002-06:00

March 10 started out as a normal day but the evening took a turn that no one was expecting. My boss for nearly the last 6 years, was told by our Board members that they were ending his employment contract. This was after 5 pm and shortly before our 6:30 board meeting. Needless to say the boss was not to be in attendance.

News spread quickly throughout the District - thanks to text messaging and emails. We had a full house that night at the Board meeting. Many of the employees on the verge of tears, including myself, when the motion was made and passed 4 to 0 to terminate the employment contract.

The news spread quickly throughout the community. The local paper which is normally delivered on Thursday came out on Wednesday afternoon. The office was a buzz on Wednesday, so much confusion as to what was going to happen with everyone.

There has been rumor since May 2008 of the Board wanting to terminate our District Manager and possibly two other people in management. It has not been confirmed as to who these individuals are. All I know is that I feel that I could be one of the next to go.

There was a bright side to March 10, when I was at Wal-Mart buying creamer for the Board meeting. Ben text me and asked if I could get off work early on Friday. I said I would let him know. He later told me he made a hotel reservation but would not say where. He did tell me we were going near Estes Park. I was so excited. I can not remember if anyone had every made plans as a surprise for me.

It turns out we staid at the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park. It is a haunted hotel and was the inspiration for the Shining. We checked in on Friday the 13th - how cool. I am kinda sick that way. We had an awesome time.

Can anyone explain to me?

2009-03-02T12:49:00.004-07:00

When you get married, the traditional marriage vows are something like:
“I, take you, to be my (wife/husband), to have and behold from this day on, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part.”

Most of us have no issue with the vows but it seems that there came a point in my marriage that the part about to love and to cherish seemed to slip away. No one person is to blame. It took two to have it happen. Things were taken for granted. Things that should never have stopped did. Basically instead of growing together, we grew apart. Where do you start to get that back? That is the question that seems neither one of us can answer or is willing to answer.

I wonder how can someone who is supposed to love and cherish you say they love you but do nothing to prove it to you. Then you have someone else who has not made any commitment to you; show you things that you were lacking in your relationship. Simple things like when you are crying to comfort you, no questions asked, just holding you tight against their chest. A gentle kiss when they first see you, before saying good bye or just because they feel like it.

I also know that in the last 6 months or longer I have not shown my love either. Sometimes you get to a point where you give and give but do not see anything happening so wonder why. You wonder what you could have done to make your spouse not want to show you they love and cherish you. You wonder how you can become more of a fixture around the house than a major part of someone’s life. You question whether or not you are valued in the relationship for the person you are versus just for your physical presence.

These are just a few of the thoughts I have running through my mind these days. The answers aren’t apparent. Eventually they will have to be.

A few things I do know. The things that have changed since September are that we talk less and see each other less. These things were expected. It also appears that the distance between us seems to be widening, this was not expected. Basically there has been no real effort from either of us. I will not take the lead. I figure if the relationship is important enough then something will be done to try to improve it otherwise I know that it must not have mattered.

Coupons, coupons, coupons

2009-02-06T11:19:00.007-07:00

It has been awhile since I last wrote about saving money.

Over the last couple of months I have found a few more places to get coupons on line. Eversave and smartsource are a couple of them. I also found out that the local King Soopers WILL accept the coupons printed at home as long as they are 0.99 cents or less. This was pretty exciting to me since the last time I tried to use the ones I printed at home, they were not accepting them.

I have also come across cellfire.com, shortcuts.com and pgesaver.com these sites let you download your coupons directly to your shopper discount card. Pretty nice feature.

Relationships = cars?

2009-02-06T11:05:00.005-07:00

Recently I have been thinking that relationships and cars have a lot in common. A car needs to be maintained regularly in order to keep it running like the day you drove it off the lot and to ensure that it will be there for you every day. Relationships need that same attention but since there is not an owners manual or a how to manual, things get neglected.

From the day you meet someone and think there is the potential for something more to develop, you immediately start giving that relationship attention or as others would say trying to impress. There are phones calls, emails, texts, little notes, dates, hugs and kisses but that seems to disappear when the relationship is established and seems solid. Those things that helped build the relationship don’t happen. Things are taken for granted. Wants are not listened to. Needs are not met. Eventually the relationship breaks down.

Just like with a car, if the engine starts making noises and you do not look into it, more damage is caused. If that noise would have been looked at when it was first noticed then the damage may have been less. Something that was minor at the time will turn into a major overhaul.

When a relationship starts to veer off in the wrong direction and nothing is done about it, the harder it is to get it back on the right track and the more work it takes to fix it. When there is the first indication that the relationship is out of alignment, things need to be looked from both people in the relationship. Things will not work if one person is trying and the other does not realize anything is wrong. Things also do not work when neither person is willing to acknowledge there is a problem and voice their concerns.

When issues start developing, whether it seems like a big deal or not, someone has to step up and take action to try to remedy the situation and get the other person on board. If not, just like a car, sometimes the damage is too bad to fix. I wonder if the damage to the marriage is too late to fix. Are we willing to work towards a solution? Is the time it takes to repair the relationship going to be given? Or is the time away from the relationship going to make it more difficult? These are the things I have no answers for.

On a shower curtain I made for my sister in law for Valentine's day it says "Love is the key to the heart." When that key is lost it is harder to replace than when you loose the keys to your car.

I wonder is the key to a successful relationship, to never stop dating no matter what? Always keep trying to impress? Who knows?

Time Controls Everything

2009-01-28T10:52:00.002-07:00

There are 24 hours in a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a week and who knows how many years in a life time. As I type this, I have been alive approximately 323,004 hours. Of this time I have been legally married 164,916 of those hours but the last 3,492 hours of the marriage have not been as husband and wife.

People talk about never having enough time. Right now I feel I have nothing but time. I do not have to worry about my biological clock running out to have more children; I will never have more natural children. The clock that I am running up against is one I set in motion myself. I said I wanted 6 months to figure out where I wanted my life to go. Six months evidently is not enough to figure out if the 164,916 hours should continue to increase or if the clock needs to stop. It took me nearly 8,568 hours to come to the realization that I wanted to move out and get the courage to do it. So how can 3,492 hours be enough to decide where I really want to end up? If I go by the 6 months then I have approximately 1,416 hours to make my decision. Do I ask for an extension?

I do know that by me not making a decision it is making life miserable for all involved. It is not fair that I leave Ron and Ben hanging. It is not fair that the boys do not know what is happening but on the other hand they seem to not want to have anything to do with me, so does it matter to them?

Who should I worry about the most? For more than half of my living hours, I have always worried about everyone else and put myself and my wants on the back burner. I am going to live for myself and make sure that what ever decision will be the one to bring me the most happiness.

Christmas

2008-12-16T15:04:00.005-07:00

For the first time in a really long time, I am looking forward to Christmas. I have dreaded Christmas for many years. Part of it is just the hustle and bustle of trying to get the perfect gift for your loved ones. This year, I let my brothers know that I was focusing more on the boys this year and I would not be getting them much since it was more important to me that my boys have a nice Christmas.

Last year, we put a tree up but the only decorations that were on it were the ones I had bought at Hallmark while working there. Just was not in the mood - this year my tree was up and decorated right after Thanksgiving.

Trevor's Christmas listed looked something like this: tires for dirtbike, Watch, clothes (m shirt pants 30 32 burton, fox ,metal mulitia, alpinestar, volcom), season pass to monarch, ipod 16gb, spy heilo white sunglasses, rear fender for my dirtbike, speakers for my car (6 1/2 front 6x9 rear, preferably alpine), mom :'(, new dvd player, different motocross gear hvlp paint spray gun, center channel surround sound speaker, Oakley crowboar snowboarding goggles ( white or black frame with fire lenses), precision screw driver set, nice tool set, black Globe shoes, money, HP printer cartridge #21.

I told Trevor there was one thing that definitely would not happen for Christmas and that was mom moving back home. I told him that I don't know when or if that will happen but that no matter where I am, I love him and his brother and will always be there for them, I am just a phone call, email or text away.

Ronny on the other hand did not send a list but mentioned he would like tires for his truck, a windshield for the truck, maybe some pants and shirts.

This Christmas will be a little different. Christmas eve is still on at my dad's with the entire family. Christmas morning I do not know where I will be. I am hoping to spend sometime with the boys but I know they will be spending time with their girlfriends too.

On the 13th work had there annual safety banquet. It was so much fun. Ben and I went. Had a little too much to drink, went bowling, to Denny's and then to WalMart at 2 am. A friend from the office was the designated driver - thank you very much. What a good time. It started out a tense night, since Trevor was sick and ended up in the emergency room - Ron took him - mono is a pretty wicked illness. He is getting better each day and hope he will be fully recouped by Christmas - that is the thing I would like the most, my baby boy to be feeling better and my oldest to stay healthy.

Counseling

2008-12-16T14:52:00.006-07:00

When I moved out, I had agreed with Ron to go to counseling. We had the first of three sessions. What a joy.

The counselor tells me I must be depressed because I am making illogical or irrational decisions. Hmmm let's see I had been thinking about moving out for over a year before I did it. I mentioned things to Ron that we needed to work on. Things would get better then back to the same thing. I guess in the counselor's eyes taking time to think about a situation and then act on it is illogical. I know what I left. I miss my boys dearly. They are coming around more and that makes me happy. That has been the hardest part - not seeing or hearing from the kids everyday.

I take full responsibility for the situation we are in. I am the one who left. I am the one who is seeing someone else. I am the one who does not know what I want.

Second session is coming up - wonder what will come of this one - maybe the counselor will think I need to be locked up at the State Hospital - LOL.

The Thanksgiving weekend

2008-12-16T14:32:00.005-07:00

Thanksgiving came and went. It was very different this year. Ron invited me over to have dinner with him, the boys, our former neighbor, and his mom. Ron did all the cooking and cleaning. It was hard to sit there and not help but I did. I figured it would not kill him to have to cook and clean up after a family gathering.

About 6, I left and met Ben at his Aunt's house. They had made a Swedish potato sausage for Ben's birthday and wanted me to try it. Not too bad really. We stayed for awhile and then headed to Kmart. I wanted Shrek2 - they had sold out. We went to WalMart and I had them price match it. He bought Indiana Jones Monopoly.

When we got back to the apartment, it was time to start playing Monopoly. Ben really hates to loose - he lost the first game and had to redeem himself by challenging me to a second game. This time he was victorious. By the time we finished playing it was well after 3 am and we were going shopping at 4:30. We managed to stay awake.

This was Ben's first experience with BLACK FRIDAY shopping. He did really good. I stood in line in electronics for a camera as he went to get me a Christmas tree. He must have misunderstood when I said any color lights will be fine. He came back with a purple Christmas tree. He was kind enough to go get me the correct one. We switched places in the line so I could go find me a Cabbage Patch Newborn and my niece a few things. The line had not moved when I got back. He decided to help me out and find a closer spot in the line. If you don't know Ben he is well over 6 foot tall and over 200 lbs so for him to move into line most people don't say anything. Within about 15 minutes of him line jumping, I had the camera. We were done shopping.

Off to breakfast we went and back to the apartment. We made it back before 7 am. Nap time.

As Ben slept I put up my tree. Ventured out later in the day to buy ornaments and garland since the red I got from Ron was not quite the look I wanted.

Saturday the 29th was Ben's birthday. We had dinner at his sister's and played Monopoly. It was such a blast to get them to gang up on him with me. Poor guy, took him four tries to get around the board - we kept putting him in jail. By the time he made it around all the property but 2 had been bought. We called the game so we could play cards.

When we left his sister's we stopped by to get his "boy" who had been with his parents since Tuesday. That is one spoiled puppy but adorable.

Sunday evening Ben brought me home.

Holidays

2008-11-26T23:52:00.002-07:00

This year the holidays will be a little different around my household.

For about the last 8 years or so, I would cook Thanksgiving dinner and have my family and Ron's family out. This year everyone is kinda doing their own thing. Ron is going to cook Thanksgiving dinner - I am gonna help. For dinner it will just be us, the boys, his mom and a close friend.

My youngest brother will be going to an ex-sister in laws house for dinner and possibly to his ex-mother in laws.

My oldest brother and his wife will go to her parents.

My dad will stay home and his wife will cook for him.

My mother will cook for who ever wants to go over - I won't be going there.

Christmas eve dinner is normally at my dad's house. I am still planning on attending that, I just don't know if it will be an awkward situation with the way things have been going.

Who knows what Christmas will bring.

New Years is my oldest brothers birthday. I have not heard any plans for that yet. I may be spending New Year's in Colorado Springs or somewhere other than Pueblo this year. Still working out those plans.

The holidays are supposed to be a time for family and friends to gather and spend quality time. I am hoping that Thanksgiving will be a peaceful day in Pueblo West. I will see. I will keep positive.

I had a nice conversation with a friend this evening who I had not heard from in a couple of months. It was great catching up, I just hope we stay in touch.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Concert

2008-11-26T23:10:00.003-07:00

On Tuesday, November 25, 2008 I had the pleasure to go see AC DC in concert at the Pepsi center with a close friend.

Our seats were decent. The concert itself was great.

The opening band "The Answer" came on about 7:45 or so and played maybe a half an hour. They were alright. There energy was eh so so. The music was hard to really get into - the instrumental overpowered the vocals.

Then about 8:30 AC DC took the stage. I had never seen them in concert before and was pretty syked about seeing them. From the minute they took the stage to the time they left, there was not a dull moment.

As the concert began, I was sitting there and a strange but familiar scent surrounded me - took me back to the high school days and riding to school with my brother. Every so often, I would catch another whiff.

The lady two seats to the right of me must have been either deaf or something - she appeared to be sleeping through the concert. Wow.

The concert was very well attended with people of all ages there. A lady that was in line behind us had her 2 year old daughter and two sons that both appeared to be under 12. There was a group of people in the sixties or so. It was kinda neat to see how a group that has been together since the 70s has such a wide following.

Apartment living

2008-11-18T17:38:00.006-07:00

Living in an apartment is so different from what I am used to. I have always lived in a house.

You take for granted only hearing the noises from your own space versus hearing what the upstairs neighbors are doing. At least they aren't yellers. I just get to hear their music and then the heavy footsteps.

I just love it when you hear the neighbor urinating in the middle of the night. Their bathroom would be to the south of my bedroom - right above my bathroom. Lovely. Thank god smells don't transfer.

I can not believe how dirty people are. I noticed one of my neighbors leaves her fast food trash on the living room floor for days - you can see this because her cat sits in the window and moves the curtains.

I finally got the dirty grease off the top of the fridge - I had to use BAM. It is way toxic.

A few weeks ago I had a lovely experience. I woke up to water coming through my bathroom ceiling. I called the maintenance man. The first words out of his mouth - its coming from upstairs. NO SHIT? Anyhow I guess the line for the toilet had broke and water was coming out. Maybe the upstairs neighbors thought it was normal to have water spraying at you - what's that called a bidet?

The wall is now pushed in, the tile is cracked and falling off the shower wall. And there is mold on the wall. Lovely. They have looked at the damage but have not fixed it yet. They are suppose to call me to schedule it but it took them a week to come look at the damage. Here is a pic to see what I am talking about.

I can't wait until March 31st when my lease is up - I will definitely be moving. Who knows where yet.

How time flies

2008-10-01T22:58:00.011-06:00

In just less than two weeks my oldest son will turn 18. It seems like yesterday he was just a sweet little boy that needed mom to help tie his shoes. Now today he needs mom for less and less and just slides his shoes off without ever untieing them. He is turning into a very respectable young man. He has picked up some bad habits from mom - he does not choose his words carefully and offends people without intentionally trying.

He sent me an email before I moved out - here is some of what he had to tell me - I have left parts out. It made me realize that my little boy is actually a very intuitive young man and that he has an opinion and is not afraid to speak it and that I have not raised a child who is oblivious to the real world. Here is part of that email:

"As I have grown older I have picked up a few things, you and dad raised me and T well. From school, TV, friends and everything around me. Now I dont know exactly why your moving out but from everything I have learned about everything over the years I can put things together I wasn't sheltered and thanks. . . . . . . . As a kid my worst fear was my parents getting a divorce, when I was in trouble and I got my ass whipped by dad and you guys argued bc you thought he was too hard on us I thought you guys would break up bc of the argument, I was young and not knowing everything was against me I was a kid so all I could do is quietly cry myself to sleep hoping you guys would not be mad at each other anymore bc of my punishment. Now as I am older I know a little argument like that would not break anyone up. . . . . . . . When I saw you guys in the future I saw you guys like the old couple up at lake taylor the ones who camped down from us who when up there just to be themselves with themselves after they retired. Do what you need to do no matter what I still love you your my mom but think about what your doing before it goes too far."

What more can I say?

Dreams

2008-09-27T21:41:00.003-06:00

Saturday, September 20th I had the strangest dream.

It started as an ordinary night. I was laying in bed sleeping. All of a sudden it felt as if someone was underneath my bed pushing it up. The movement kept getting stronger. I tried to yell "stop" but nothing would come out. I tried again. Still nothing. The next thing I know is that it feels like someone is taking my breath away and feel a heavy weight on my chest. I could hardly breath.

I wake up and am sitting on my bed looking around. I just had the strangest feeling.

Sunday morning I went to breakfast with my dad, Ron and the boys. I did not mention the dream until later that day when Ron and I were heading to Pagosa Springs for the week. His response was just wow.

I start thinking was my dream the sense of smothering that I feel when I am around him? Who knows.

Have you ever thought about

2008-09-17T23:46:00.009-06:00

Have you ever wondered why people enter your lives at a certain point?

I think that people appear in your life at the life when God thinks you need that little nudge to make a move.

Take for instance you run into an old friend and realize that you let something die you never should have whether it was romantic or just a friendship that will never be like it was.

You meet someone that you have an instant connection with but situations keep you apart.

You meet someone that just makes you smile from deep within when you are at a point when you think you will never smile again.

You meet someone that seems to be a total ass to the world but yet you take the time to get to know this person and realize they are just as scared as you are in life and the ass they show to the world is their security blanket.

You meet someone who is a sweetheart of a person but feels that the world hates them. You try to encourage them and wonder if you were placed in there life to help them in one way or another.

I guess its just the way things happen. People come into your life and leave just as quickly whether you are ready for them to or not.

How things change

2008-09-14T16:04:00.004-06:00

Who would have ever thought that one morning I would decide that the life I have been living for the past 18 and a half years may not be what I really want. So I am venturing on my own.

On September 3, 2008 I signed a lease for a one bedroom apartment. I will be here for a minimum of six months. Who knows where I will be after that point or what I will want.

I basically walked away from the life that I have known for the last 18 and a half years. No one to go home to. No one to take care of. Just taking care of myself. I should not say I am not taking care of anyone - I still am making sure all the bills are being paid and there are groceries at the house.

Its just kind of strange to not see your kids every day or hear from them. Even though when we were all in the same house we may have only spoke in passing as we were running out the door to whatever we may have thought was important to do.

Over the last year I have met some interesting people and have thought a lot about what I want my future to be and who I want in that future with me. Those answers are still not that clear.

WHAT WAS I THINKING

2008-08-02T02:09:00.009-06:00

Have you ever just got a wild hair and decide to do something.

Friday around noon I decide I want to have a yard sale. Normally no big deal but with me I choose to have it the next day.

I text the hubby and tell him what ad I want in the paper. I have him call it in because he gets a free ad a month in the local paper.

I forgot I had to go to a fondue party at my sis-in-laws Friday night. No big deal. I figure go there for a little while come home get things ready.

I was really enjoying the chocolate and cherries - then Ashley asks me - can you taste the Kahlua - I couldn't but hey it tasted pretty good. Needless to say I had lots of chocolate followed by a Pina colada. About 9:30 the hubby texts and says him and the kids are going to Cracker Barrel and for me to meet them. I agree.

By the time we eat and get the stuff out of storage, it is not 11:30 pm. I need to go to WalMart to get poster board to make signs. I get home about 12:30 am. I make the signs and the youngest helps me set up the tables. We stay outside until about 1 am. I tell him lets go to bed. I stay up until about 3 am and then get back up about 5 am to set everything up and get ready for the sale.

I remember now why I do not have any yard sales at my house - no one wants to venture to the "far" north side of Pueblo West.

I did sell at least a good size box of stuff - mainly clothes and toys. Yes toys just because the boys are teenagers doesn't mean I had gotten rid of everything yet.

No more yard sales at my house.

Cell phone companies

2008-07-19T08:47:00.003-06:00

Anyone that knows me well knows my phone is almost attached to my body.

I have been going back and forth with T-Mobile about stupid things with my phone. It all started in May when my cell phone started freezing. I received a "new refurbished phone". I had that phone for a few days and had to call back since it was worse than the one I just sent back. Out comes another refurbished phone to me. This time the sync function won't work. Out comes the third refurbished phone to me. This phone actually syncs but the problem with it is the "OK" button does not work - try texting or taking pics without the OK button. They send me out a 4th refurbished phone that is where the dilemma really begins.

I received the phone June 19th. I put my SIM card in. Copied the contacts to the phone and tried to sync with my address book off T-Mobile.com. It did not work. I called lovely tech support. I was on the phone for 78 minutes that night and was basically told call back tomorrow - makes you wonder how some of these people get hired. I called back the next day from work. I was on the phone with tech support that day for 90 minutes - got to love call timers. I was told it was a know issue and they would send it on to the next level and the issue should be fixed with 7 days and someone would contact me.

On June 27th, I had to call them back. The response I got from the tech support person was they are working on it and should have it working by morning. This took another 14 minutes of my time.

I try again on the 28th of June. Still not fixed. I call tech support back. This time I am on the phone for 33 minutes. Still no resolution. Hear the same BS line - someone is working on it and will call me back.

I have been really patient since the phone works pretty good - I just don't have half my phone numbers - I could manually enter them but why. I call back on July 5th. I finally get some one who seems to actually care and wants to help me. Shondra stays on the phone with me for 55 minutes. She unfortunately was not able to get any further than anyone else but she did admit that someone dropped the ball. She said she would check with the person on Monday and call me back. I think to myself here we go again but she actually called me back. She did not have good news - they are still working on the issue.

I like to take control of situations - so I had been doing troubleshooting on my own. I went to the local T-Mobile store and compared software versions - they were the same. The store phone would sync but mine would not. When Shondra called me back the second time on July 13, I told her what I had done. She tells me that they do not know how long it is going to take and that they were going to process a warranty exchange. I thought finally it is over. NOT. The section where she needed to process the exchange was down. She said she would call me back on Monday.

I did not hear from her. So I called tech support back. I must have misunderstood what she said because there was a note in the system for a follow up on the 17th. I figure I would wait.

Shondra follows through. I get a call on the 18th to process the warranty exchange. Another problem - they want to send me a phone that I absolutely hate and do not feel it is comparable. Someone had told me if I bitched enough I could get pretty much any phone I wanted. I did not get rude. I told Shondra, that she has been very helpful to me and I will not get rude with her but I did not feel that phone was comparable - one big difference I have a partial QWERTY keyboard and the other phone did not. Maybe that don't matter to some people but to me it does. I told her I wanted the Shadow. She said she could not do that. I said I understand you can't but someone else can. I brought up how long we have been with T-Mobile. She spoke to someone and they wanted me to go to the local T-Mobile store for more trouble shooting. I mention that this issue has been being worked on for a month and I did not think it would make a difference. She said she thought it was strange too so she would call me back.

Less than 2 hours later, she calls. Guess what - I am now getting the Shadow as an upgrade at no charge. The catch I had to extend my contract for one year. So the contact now ends in July 2009 instead of March 2009 - big deal. I still get to keep my other phone - maybe I will sell it on EBay - LOL.

I did tell Shondra she was the only person at 611 that actually followed through with things. I spoke to her supervisor to complement her. The only time a supervisor hears about an employee is when they screw up. I felt Shondra needed to receive recognition for doing her job well.

You don't always have to be a bitch to get what you want. Treating people with respect and kindness does work.

Everyone loves free stuff

2008-07-19T07:54:00.002-06:00

One night while I was lying in bed unable to sleep, I heard a commercial about how to get free cleaning products. They mentioned a web site - www.freegreencleaners.com

When I got up the next day, I did not know if I was imagining things or if it was real. Needless to say it is real. I went out to the web site, filled in the information they requested and a few days later I received a 16oz bottle of cleaner. The only catch you have to review the product and then post your review on a blog or web site. I have not done this yet. I guess once you do that they will send you out another product.

Samples, samples, samples - the mail lady has to be loving me - NOT. I have been frequenting http://instoresnow.walmart.com/In-Stores-Now-Free-Samples-And-Trials.aspx and signing up for all their free samples. I figure if I can't use it someone else surely can. Just by filling out a simple form, you get a trial size of what ever the product is and normally a coupon for future purchases. We will see how much junk mail I start getting after this. They also have a spot to download free mp3s. They change the samples out pretty regularly so it does not hurt to check back once a week or so. It is not like the other websites where you have to complete a zillion offers to save a nickel.

The coupons in the local paper seem to be getting less and less so while surfing one night I came across www.coupons.com and www.redplum.com both a decent places to print your own coupons at home.

Lack of sleep

2008-07-19T07:25:00.006-06:00

Today the hubby and the youngest return home. The oldest came home last night. My alone time is over.

This past week I realized that I sleep less, cook less, clean less, text more and drink about the same when I have no one home with me.

The less sleeping relates to going to bed Wednesday night or should I say Thursday morning at 3 am and getting up late for work - ended up only being about five minutes late and to staying up Thursday night or techincally Friday morning until about 4 am and getting up around 7 am in Cripple Creek. Lack of sleep mixed with alcohol not a good thing.

Cooking lets see you can cook one night and make it last for a couple nights. - half the dishes, less time but also less choice.

Text more - how can I possibly text anymore than usual. Can't be because the hubby would start texting when he was ready for bed and would text for awhile. Or that it is a lot easier to try to track people down by texting versus calling when you are in a noisy casino. My main communication with the kids is texting. Plus when you are in public everyone around you does not want to hear your conversations or at least I don't want to.

Drinking - don't get me wrong - I am not a heavy drinker - I just drink a few now and then. More than I used to but not as much as some people.

Women can do anything

2008-07-15T22:39:00.000-06:00

This week for the first time in along time, I have time to myself. No husband or kids to have to come home and cook for or clean up after.

My very possessive husband and our youngest son went to visit relatives in Arkansas. Our oldest son is staying in Avondale with grampa.

The vehicle I normally drive is the vehicle that was taken on the trip, so I am driving the youngests car. It is a 1998 Chevy Cavalier. Not a bad car especially for what he paid for it. I was on the way home from work and noticed the battery light was on. It is an idiot light and not a true indicator as to whether or not the system is charging. After I got home, I called WalMart to see if they would test the battery. They would. So I headed there.

I get there and one of the techs comes out and hooks up his machine to it. He can't get anything to read. He says battery must have some bad cells in it and takes me back inside to price batteries. I think, hmm the car starts fine and runs ok so I think not on the battery. I called my oldest brother and asked how to make sure it was the battery. He walked me through how to test it. Guess what the guy at WalMart was wrong. It was the altenator.

Decision - do I park the car that has AC and drive the other truck that doesn't or do I brave it and change it myself. I decide to go for it only after calling Checker to make sure they have the part before I take apart the car. I call my brother and tell him what my plan is. He says he will come do it for me. I said I will call if I get stuck.

I get all the bolts out but am having issues with the belt. I decide I better go get the other part. I come back and fight the belt some more. I give in and call my husband and tell him what I am doing and ask if we have a certain tool at home. His response - just leave it and I will fix it when I get home - NOT. The youngest calls and is trying to explain to my how to get the belt loose. I keep fighting it. I decide I better call my brother.

I go in the house, eat a little dinner, fold some clothes and venture back outside. I get the tool where the youngest said and call him back. He tells me again what to do. I try and off comes the belt and a big shout for joy from me. My brother had not shown up yet. Yeah for me. I get the altenator off as he pulls in the drive. I am still excited. I put the old one in place. He helped start the bolts. I tightened them up, connected the wiring back and now the hard part putting the belt back on. I crawl under the car, release the tension on the belts and run the lower part, my brother ran the upper part. The belt is on. The car starts and the battery light is off.

I think thats pretty good. There are a few men I know that would not even attempt it and not many women I know would either.

If we set our minds to it, we can do anything.